Volunteering

I've been volunteering pretty much all of my life. My parents used to take us to homeless shelters to feed the poor, orphanages to give presents to kids at Christmas, food drives, toys for tots and I'm sure many other things that were volunteer experiences, but we didn't know it at the time. Growing up, my parents didn't spend a lot of time explaining our acts of kindness. We just did it.  I'll admit, as a kid, it wasn't exactly the most selfless act when we didn't really have a choice. Ashamedly, I remember envying some of the toys that we collected and wrapped for Toys for tots, until my mother explained about the children who had nothing and no one to spend the holidays with.

As an adult, I have gained even more respect and admiration for my parents, as well as the intention of volunteering. Thinking back to how much they struggled themselves, and how willing they were to give to others, while raising an active family, really humbles me at times. I hear other people say they would LOVE to volunteer somewhere, they just don't have the time. Then I think of my mom, with three young kids, a daycare and various other projects she had on her plate, finding the time to volunteer at least a few times a year, and I call Bullshit to those who "don't have the time"!

I've found a way to volunteer in quite a diverse group of organizations over the years, and my family still volunteers together every year on Christmas day. Currently, due to my life of leisure (aka unemployment) I've been able to volunteer at a local animal shelter/wildlife rehabilitation center, and love it. It's been nice to have somewhere to go and something to do...well, I guess just to feel useful in a time that I feel absolutely useless. I don't plan on quitting volunteering now that I have a job because the place that I volunteer really allows for an education about all the different animals and treatments involved in their care. They give me freedom and trust with feeding and cleaning up after the animals and really encourage my involvement in many different facets of the organization. Not to mention I get to play with baby animals (not really, but I send them messages of love telepathically).

Recently, I've had a few scheduling conflicts with my volunteer days, and a friend of mine has made a few comments that have really just boggled my mind. Her attitude is that there is no conflict. That I shouldn't even consider the volunteer job because, after all, "it's volunteering...what are they gonna do to you?".

This makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. I keep trying to explain to her that just because they aren't paying me, doesn't mean it's not a job. The reasons for having to request time off at a paying job are the same as at a non-paying job...to make sure there are enough people to cover the shift. Just because they aren't paying me, doesn't mean I can just screw them over whenever I want. And why would I want to? Do other people feel this way? Am I crazy to think that this line of thinking is absolutely absurd?

This volunteer job means so much to me. Aside from the fulfillment I get from donating my time to an organization that is dedicated to saving lost, abandoned, sick and hurt animals, they appreciate me. During a time that I was getting no response from the hundreds of resumes I was sending out, they responded. They spent about a month training me and trusted in my competence. They spend time at the beginning of every shift educating me on the different animals, illnesses, treatments, etc. They are taking a huge gamble on spending so much of their time and resources on me. Because apparently, as a volunteer, I could take advantage of them and just up and abandon them, leaving them shorthanded, in an instant.

If volunteering is something you've always wanted to do, DO IT! Contact an organization that you'd want to be involved with and just start with getting some information. But if you really want to do it, YOU WILL! We find the time to watch a million TV shows, and masquerade it as "relaxing", why not get out in the community and interact with other volunteers and actually do something you've always wanted to do! Do it once a year, or once a month or even once a week, no matter what, you can make a difference!

By the skin of my bank account

So first of all, let me update you on my juice cleanse. The first few days were a little rough, but I know it's because I didn't prepare my body for it. But the rest of the week was great. I did 7 days juicing, 7 days soup and salad and this week has been back to normal-ish eating. I feel great. My attitude changed immensely, my skin is doing better and I dropped a few lbs (7 to be exact). And I keep losing, which is the great thing.

Now, onto the BIG news! I got a job!!!!! I've been unemployed for almost a year now (not counting the volunteering in Hawaii and here). The search has been miserable to say the least. I'm not sure if it's the West Coast, or if job hunting has just changed that much, but man, the applications are rigorous (and you no one really reads all the apps they get), the interviews have been mildly absurd, and come in multiples, and of course there's no follow up with most of them.

But after 6 months in Washington state, I have finally found a job and I couldn't be more thrilled! I start in two weeks and I will be working downtown Seattle, which will be a lot of fun. Now, I can start moving forward in other areas of my life, which is a little daunting, but also absolutely exciting. And it couldn't have come at a better time, well...yes it could have, because I am at the end of my financial rope. I will barely squeek by these next two weeks and the two weeks of work before getting paid, but I will figure out a way. As long as there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I am A-ok. 

Woohoo! Onto the next chapter in my life!

Juicing Days #1 & 2

Juicing Day #1, which was yesterday. I did pretty well except for the fact that I had a screaming headache, was cranky as hell and by bedtime was STARVING!

But, I had a headache because I hadn't weaned myself off of coffee prior to juicing, so I was going cold turkey, and I was hungry because again, I hadn't weaned myself to the right foods before juicing so my body was probably in a little shock. As far as the cranky...I'm sure it had to do with the two previous issues.

Day #2: Went great. Low grade headache, but nothing too bothersome. Hungry a little, but I just kept drinking little bits of my juice and a ton of water every time I felt hungry. So tonight I will be going to bed with a satisfied belly.

I just can't believe how good I feel. I mean, I know it makes me feel good, but I let way too much time go by between juicing and somehow I forget. It's not just physically either. Mentally, all of a sudden I'm seeing just how much things like cheese, wheat and coffee have contributed to the whole slowdown effect. Tonight, at the grocery store, I walked right past the bakery and dairy case without even giving it a second glance. That's on Day 2. Now, do I miss these things terribly? Yes. But I also miss ex-boyfriends. I'm remembering only the good things I want to remember and not the bad effect they had on me.

Update on the Raw Vegan, Gluten free, dairy free, caffeine free, alcohol free, juice experience...

I did really well for about two and half months. I lost over 20 lbs, my skin was kind of, clearing up and I had a ton of energy. I was exercising just about every day and feeling really good about everything.

Notice how all of that was past tense? Well, I started reintroducing things slowly into my diet, starting with cooking food, then coffee, then cheese and yogurt, bread and finally beer (occasionally). Almost immediately, I started to lose energy. Next came the screeching halt of losing weight and then my skin started to get worse again. It's probably been a few months now and I've been stuck at the same weight, can't get my skin under control and have ABSOLUTELY NO motivation or energy to keep moving forward! I think that's the hardest part for me right now, the lack of motivation. I have been unemployed since September and desperately need to find work, so I can't afford to be curled up in the fetal position.

And let me add that these reactions I'm experiencing, are not from an overload of the foods I reintroduced. In fact, I don't even eat a moderate amount of them. I use Rice milk and coconut milk for coffee creamer. I've only had yogurt twice and that was awhile ago, and I eat cheese occasionally. I eat bread and pasta once in awhile (meaning every few weeks or so), and I think I had two beers when I first reintroduced the foods. So, imagine if I had gone back in whole hog! The one thing I do have to say that I drink consistently is coffee. I started drinking it every day again and I have a feeling that is contributing to a lot of the lack of energy, ironically enough. Over the last few weeks, I've been getting half decaf, half regular coffee and slowly making it more decaf than regular for an easier transition to no coffee at all.

So, tomorrow I am going back to it. I'm going to move back more towards raw veggies, juices and the elimination of gluten, dairy and caffeine as much as possible. I have a juicing buddy for next week and I'm doing a 7 day juice and raw fruit and veggie cleanse.  I will check back in to update after I have finished.

Here are some of the pictures I've taken recently:

Still here...

So...the excitement of choosing to stay has died down a little. I've gone on quite a few interviews and never hear back. I've sent out my resume and filled out applications numbering in the 100's. I've started my Etsy store, but haven't gotten very much in it yet. And  yesterday, I set my hair on fire! (That part is actually comical to me).

I know I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. Every choice I've ever made has led me to this very point in my life, and luckily, I'm not wasting it. I'm sewing A LOT and working on making and selling my bags. I'm drawing a little and talking seriously with my sister about starting our t-shirt business. I'm reading many books about entrepreneurship and talking to people about ideas, business software and designs. I'm also getting outside quite a bit and dabbling in macro photography. And to top it all off, I'm volunteering at a local Wilderness Rehabilitation center and loving it! It's a lot of work, but I absolutely LOVE volunteering my time! Especially where animals are concerned.

All in all, things are going pretty well, for someone who's still unemployed and living with friends. The Summer is here and the Pacific Northwest is absolutely gorgeous!

Stay put? Huh?

I live a very nomadic lifestyle. For the last 2 years, I have been on the half and half plan...half the year in Alaska, half the year wherever else. In 2010/2011 it was Ohio/Connecticut/Massachusetts. 2011/2012 (this winter), it was Hawaii/Connecticut/Seattle.

But before the half and half plan, I had been in Ohio for two and a half years (although I moved 3 times). Before that-Ireland, Greece and Italy. Connecticut, Georgia, Kansas, Connecticut, Ohio. Massachusetts, Ohio, Michigan, Ohio, and New York City. That is in reverse order going back to Connecticut where I grew up. Even then, my parents moved us three different times and once to Ohio.

I move. This is what I do. I don't know if it's instinctual. I don't know if it's learned behavior from my parents. I don't know if it's boredom, or an unending curiosity and love of adventure. Maybe I was from a nomadic tribe in my past life. Maybe all of the above. What I do know though, is that it has become my career. Somehow, I have created a life where I don't live to work, but work to live. My focus has never really been on a financial career, but a career of self and world exploration. I have found ways to travel with practically nothing, and fully immerse myself in the environment I find myself in. I have met many wonderful people along the way and have such a diverse group of incredibly close friends all over the world. I love it.

But recently I have been craving a home base. A space that is not borrowed or shared with anyone else. A place I can "hang my hat" so to speak, but still keep the freedom of travel and exploration. This is a yearning I have been trying to ignore for a few years now because, quite honestly, I don't have time for it. Well, this week, I have made time.

I have made a decision to stay put. I know, I know...crazy notion, I know! It is actually a first for me, and I have to admit that I am a little bit terrified. I don't know how this will turn out and I can't even pretend to fantasize about what outcome I am looking for, because I don't know how to think outside the suitcase. It's a scary place to be for me, but also thrilling. I have made a decision in the healthy direction I want to be moving and I can't wait to see what comes of it. I had positive premonitions of 2012 and so far, it is turning out to be one of my favorite years.

It's not personal...

When did this become the disclaimer for poor behavior? Don't people realize that when they start a sentence like that, we all know that whatever's next is going to hurt? It goes right along with, "I know how this is going to sound, but..." and, "Don't take this the wrong way...". Are you kidding me?

I've been practicing the lesson of not taking anything personally as instructed in The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. But it is a very tough practice. Especially when people are excusing their bad behavior and judgements with disclaimers. I understand that if someone is going out of their way to hurt me, then it most likely has to do with their own issues. But the fact that another person would knowingly hurt me, is a hard pill to swallow even when I know it has nothing to do with me.

And on another subject, stating, "That's just the way I am", should not excuse ignorance. Just because you can admit it, does not mean you're excused. It's one thing to not know any better, it's another to know you SHOULD know better.

Can you tell I've had a good week? Not so much. It's been a painful week, but also a week filled with personal growth. I started a juice cleanse 3 days ago along with meditation and much contemplation, I have made some serious changes towards a healthier me. These changes have helped me realize that standing up for yourself isn't always easy or painless, but it's always necessary. 

A moment of compromise

On a positive note, I am doing really well with my new food changes. I haven't actually gone 100% raw yet, but I have maintained almost a completely vegan, gluten free, sugar free, caffeine and alcohol free diet. I say "almost" because this past week, I have been stressing hardcore over some personal issues and I broke down and drank coffee, had Easter candy, made homemade bread, ate cheese and sour cream and drank a bottle of wine. So I basically rebelled against every one of these changes in one week. Still...each "incident" was an isolated incident and has not repeated itself. I did not stuff myself full of any of these items, nor do I plan to.

I would say I'm eating approximately one cooked meal a day and the other two are raw. I was going to try and come up with some excuse as to why I'm not 100% raw yet, but realized I don't need to. I just wanted to! There! And I made the executive decision that I can actually eat whatever the f*** I want!

Warning: I am about to sound off on this subject, and it may get lengthy! :)

It's amazing isn't it? When we feel guilty for not meeting an expectation that we set for ourselves? It's actually pretty unbelievable really. The first day that I wanted to eat something cooked, after deciding I was going raw, I beat myself up for days for failing. FAILING! Failing? Failing what? Failing who? Failing me? That's ridiculous!

I don't know where this comes from. I want to say it's from all the people who challenge my vegetarianism CONSTANTLY! And I know I've touched on this before, but why do people feel the need to ask me many reasons about my not eating meat and try to either catch me in hypocrisy or argue my CHOICE? I don't ask anyone why they eat meat? But I can guarantee that my answer will always be a better one...because I choose not to. The word choose is critical here. We are all raised on the idea that we, as humans, eat meat. And so we do. And no matter what BS line is thrown out there about why humans eat meat, it's sad that it's not actually a conscious decision. 

Anyway, I will spare you the extra lengthiness that could be today's blog. All you need to know is that, standing in the grocery store today, feeling bad about making a decision to buy the smallest container of sour cream ever, I came to the realization that I have made strides in the changes in my diet and also my life. I celebrate my successes and allow myself a moment of compromise. I strive to pass up the dairy next time, or not even think about it altogether. And I know that is possible because this was the first time, in about 2 months, that I have been challenged with this decision.

Starting this detoxification has literally changed my whole life already. Aside from losing over 20 lbs so far, and, oh yea, by the way, having my skin start to heal (still has a long way to go, but definitely making progress), I have found an entire community of healthy people who make me feel like I'm not crazy. I spend hours reading books, watching documentaries and web surfing, soaking in the vast amounts of wisdom out there about health, consciousness and humanity. A lot of times, the information frustrates, confuses and even enrages me. But most of the time it brings tears to my eyes to see how many genuinely great people there are in this world.

On the upswing...hopefully

(Adult language disclaimer: To those of you who have an ideal, angelic view of me, please do not read any further. I am touching on a subject that has tortured me for the majority of my life and I can guarantee there will be harsh profanity used)

Tomorrow begins the next step, and hopefully most successful, of a 25 year long, pain in the ass voyage. And what voyage, you may wonder, have I been on for 25 years? The voyage of trying to make my skin happy. 

I have had bad skin since I was 12 years old. It runs in the family, so there was no hope for me (lucky for my younger sister who got away unscathed---or should I say unscarred). But the relatives I know who had it, said it would clear up in a few years...I guess we have different definitions of the word "few".

Having bad skin as a teenager is pretty much standard. Although, mine was worse than most. Having bad skin in your twenties is a little less than expected, but still not completely uncommon. Again, unfortunately, mine was worse than most. But having bad skin, if not worse than when I was a teenager, in my thirties, has just become downright fucking obnoxious! (excuse my language, but if there were a harsher word, I'd use it)

I've been on every oral and topical medication out there. And most of them...TWICE! Early on, my skin rejected (in the form of allergic reactions) both benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid, which are used in almost EVERY god damn facial cleanser, mask, astringent, and lotion. Benzoyl peroxide was the main ingredient in just about everything in the eighties, when my skin started breaking out. I remember one doctor not really believing my mom and I about the allergy and he gave me peroxide pads that contained 100% benzoyl peroxide. It didn't take long for my skin to get it's point across, loud and clear. NO BENZOYL PEROXIDE!!!!

I took Accutane...TWICE! Which is now being found to cause everything from liver damage, depression and suicidal thoughts to intestinal problems and birth defects. I remember going to the Red Cross to give blood once, and because I had taken Accutane in the last TWO years, I could not donate blood! Can you even believe that?

When salicylic acid became the new benzoyl peroxide in the early 2000's, I thought for sure I'd be saved. But alas, my skin said, "HELL NO!". And in the not so distant past, when Proactiv started the revolution (at least advertised it the most) against acne with a combination of benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid together, I stupidly thought that maybe my 36 year old skin would react differently than my 16 and 26 year old skin. Nope.

I had to stop eating chocolate when I was 12 due to my skins reaction to it, and tomatoes about 8 years ago now. The chocolate allergy, I can live with because I haven't eaten it for 25 years. It was at it's worst when I was a kid because my sister got to eat all the chocolate she wanted (and still can). Easter, Halloween and Christmas were the worst, but I made it through. As an adult, the issue I have with my chocolate allergy, is peoples reactions to it. "Oh my god! I would DIE!" is the general consensus. BLOW ME!...is mine. But the allergy to tomatoes is probably the hardest for me because #1: Tomatoes are used as a filler in so many foods, I never had any idea. and #2: I'm a vegetarian. Being a vegetarian, allergic to tomatoes has stumped many a dinner host. It's actually very embarrassing. What's even more embarrassing though, is having to explain WHAT my allergic reaction is to these foods...Luckily, I love bringing attention to my skin...NOT!

While working on exhausting the chemical market, I turned to the natural products market. I tried Vitamins E and A, both in capsule, oil and lotion forms. I've tried lavender oil, cucumbers, chamomile and aloe. I've refrigerated my skin products and even did a treatment with ice packs before applying my lotion. I've bought handmade soaps, and top of the line organic products. I've made my own lotions and even grown my own herbs and flowers for homemade tonics. I've spent hundreds and probably more like THOUSANDS of dollars on skin care products. Let's not forget about the money on makeup to try and hide the fact that I have the unhappiest skin on earth...and not very well, I might add. I've even tried using meditation to manifest healthy skin, and that kind of goes against the whole idea of meditation. I shouldn't be motivated by personal gain.

I think my favorite (sarcasm) experience was when I realized my allergy to Tea Tree oil, which a lot of the natural skin care world was using as a miracle cure, pretty much the way salicylic acid was portrayed in the chemical product world. Although, another favorite was when I spent $150 on the brand Origins, which boasts itself as "powered by nature and proven by science", and I had such an immediate and violent reaction to it. It turns out that they use perfumes in their products, which I am most definitely allergic to.

I will only TOUCH on the social embarrassment this condition has caused, because I could honestly write a book about this.

When strangers would come up to me at...oh, I don't know, a place like GRACELAND (the house of the man I was in love with for the first half of my life), on vacation, and give me skin care suggestions, that was, to put it mildly, NO FUN!!! Or when coworkers would say things like, "It's too bad, you have such a pretty face.", it was always nice to hear. As a child, getting newspaper and magazine article clips from my Grandma about alternative skin treatments, made me want to scream. As an adult, having her try to empathize with me, using her MAYBE one experience with a pimple or patch of dry skin, just makes me laugh. One exceptionally special moment was one particular Valentine's Day that my boyfriend gave me acne treatment products and expected me to be excited about them. Needless to say, I cringe when Valentine's Day approaches and I'm in a relationship. I've had men in bars ask me if they could buy me Proactiv, and I've had a friend use Brad Pitt as an example of people who look good with scars. I always search out the least lit area of a room to sit or stand when other people are around, and I seriously have a mini panic attack if there is a light directly above me.

This is a subject that I only acknowledge with my closest friends, and even then, I can't bring myself to be truly open about the emotional trauma my skin has caused me. I don't think I have EVER had an open, honest conversation on this subject and it brings tears to my eyes right now, that I'm even putting any of this out there in cyber space, for all to read. But I have made it my goal for this year to do absolutely anything and everything possible to make my skin happy and I want to document this path.

A few months ago, I started really thinking about the fact that my skin is having an allergic reaction. Something I'm doing, using or eating is inflaming the shit out of my body's largest organ. I mean, even Hawaii, for two and a half months, didn't really help. I started tearing apart my daily routines of cleansing and eating. I got gluten free shampoo and conditioner, all natural laundry detergent, handmade soap (of the most minimal and organic ingredients) and started a two week detox which ended three weeks ago. I am still not eating dairy, sugar, wheat or alcohol, but my skin has not gotten any better. Which leads me to tomorrow...

In the course of scouring books, watching documentaries and hours of searching the Internet for answers, I stumbled across a woman's YouTube blog who cured herself of an ovarian disease by eating raw. In watching her videos, it turns out that she had also had a lifetime of similar skin issues, maybe even worse, that also cleared up with the new diet. This is by far, not the first thing I've come across about a raw diet curing ailments and disease, but for some reason, it really hit home. All of the articles, books and movies that I've seen on this subject, started flooding my memory and something clicked. To make a long story even longer, I started talking to people about the idea of going raw and completely detoxing processed food out of my body once and for all. Those people would send me to more resources and everything was adding up...

Then I watched the movie, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead", and my raw diet idea took on a juicy twist. I knew, and still know, what has to be done, and I'm going to do it. Starting tomorrow, I am on a raw fruit/vegetable and juicing diet. I put myself into further credit card debt to purchase a Jack Lalane juicer and will start selling my body if I have to (although I'm not sure that will get me far), to buy organic fruit and veggies. I have figured out a way I can do this in Alaska this summer and will be taking my juicer with me. I will do this for as long as it takes to become healthy, and I know my body will let me know when that is.

Maybe I'm setting myself up for some real disappointment, but I have seriously high hopes for this plan. I want, more than anything in the world, to be a success story. And if this works, I may never eat processed, refined or enriched foods again. I'm of NO delusion that this won't be hard. Honestly, it's going to suck. But the sacrifice will be 100% worth it, if I become a truly healthy human.

A thought that I had today, was one that both scares and excites me. If this plan works, and my skin (and body) becomes happy...what will I focus on next? 

Thankful!

Today is technically the first anniversary of a rather unpleasant memory of mine, although it's actually been 4 years.

I used to LOVE leap year, and thought it was a day to go out and celebrate. I mean, after all, it's a gift of a day that we don't get every year. But on Leap day, 2008, I was in no shape to go out. A little back story: About a month earlier I had broken up with an on-again/off-again relationship that had spanned over 14 years. I won't get into any of that, but I will tell you that with the break up, I had also tried cutting off a few mutual friends, who were relentless in trying to keep me around. One in particular, Melissa, was not going to let me slip off into post relationship oblivion without a fight. About a week before leap Day, Melissa hounded me until I picked up the phone and talked me into going out with friends, to a comedy show, on Leap day. A few days before Leap day, I started to get ill. On Leap day I had a full on flu, but I knew I couldn't cancel, because I knew Melissa would probably just drag me out of my bed, thinking I was making excuses. So, in my heavily medicated state, I packed everything I thought I would need for the night and headed out to celebrate this very rare of occasions. 

The details of the night are a little blurry, and the details of the incident are still a little too vivid to go into great detail, but around midnight on February 29, 2008, two men put a gun to my head and robbed me as I was leaving Melissa's house. I won't get into everything that ran through my head, and how things played out. And I can't get into the impact this event had on me, my friends or family, because it is still a little too disturbing to think about. But what I can say is that I was unbelievably lucky! I AM unbelievably lucky! I can't say that it's made me appreciate my life any more than I did before, because I try to appreciate every minute of every day. I can't say that it made me realize how great my friends and family are, because I already knew how wonderful the people in my life are. And I can't say that it's motivated me to make drastic changes in my life because my life is in a constant state of drastic change. I mean, don't get me wrong, that night left a mark. But as the actual anniversary, down to the minute, slowly creeps towards me tonight, all I can think about is how thankful I am. I'm thankful to those two men for not taking more than my belongings. For not hurting or killing me. For leaving me to see another day. I am thankful for keeping a level head in the face of eminent danger. Mostly, I am thankful for the support and love that my friends and family, and even strangers, showed me in a time that I really needed it. And lastly, my spiteful side is thankful that I had nowhere but my purse to put my nasty, flu filled, dirty tissues all night, and that there probably two VERY ill bad guys later that week.

No matter what, life is short. So enjoy it! Good or bad, watch, reflect, learn and grow from all of it. It's all we can do. It's all we SHOULD do! Begin and end each day by being thankful. I don't do that enough, but tonight I am.  

Torture!

Yesterday, my friend, Sarah, who I work with in Alaska had a layover at the SeaTac Airport and I took the train down to meet up with her. On my way back through Seattle, I decided to stay downtown and go visit a few accessories I had been researching for myself. This was a big mistake!

Jenna (inside zip) by Frye

The first thing I went to see were a pair of boots that I have been looking at for literally years! But Sunday night I went to a movie, and one of the actresses was wearing them. I hadn't really thought of them in awhile, but now they were in the forefront of my mind. Unfortunately (for me at least) Macy's now sells the brand and I thought I'd head in to check them out. I figured I'd at least just try them on and hope that they were the world's most uncomfortable boots ever!

Luckily for me, Macy's did not have the style I want, but I tried on another pair, just to see if I could get them on. I could not, and they were out of the size bigger. Woohoo! It didn't really matter because these boots are $348 which means they are probably made out of the skin of some adorable baby of a rare breed of cow, bred and raised specifically by this company to become future boots. So no matter what, this was a dream. Not to mention, they are by far the furthest thing from a necessity. When you're unemployed, living at a friends' house, on the verge of a Ramen noodle diet, you barely can afford to even window shop let alone purchase something that is of no use to your existence at all. At least that's what I'm telling myself these days.

Next was the real torture.

I've never really had a good camera. I mean, my parents bought me a nice digital camera for my 30th birthday, and it took amazing pictures. But it had some major limitations and then decided it wasn't going to work anymore. I bought a brand new point and shoot over the summer and it was stolen 3 weeks after I got it. I went to Hawaii with a borrowed, 5 year old point and shoot, that takes one good picture for every four taken. I'm tired of not having a decent camera and need to just bite the bullet and finance one or something (another reason to have a job...you can buy things!).

I would, ideally, LOVE to have a DSLR camera, but they are outrageously expensive, and quite honestly HUGE in both weight and bulk! For the amount of traveling I do, I'm not sure that a monster camera is the best route for me. And the point and shoots are way too small and easy to either lose or have stolen. Not to mention, I want some of the aspects of the DSLR like manual settings and interchangeable lenses. And a few weeks ago, I stumbled (online) onto the camera, I think, that's for me.

Olympus PEN series E-PM1--my future camera

The Olympus Pen series E-PM1. (Actually, I liked the E-PL1, but after visiting them yesterday, the PM1 is better for me). It's compact in size and has many of the preset shooting modes of a point and shoot, with the interchangeable lenses, manual shooting modes and closer image quality to a DSLR. Plus there are optional accessories you can buy like a digital viewfinder (which is a must for me and does not exist on point and shoots anymore) and detachable microphone for better movie audio. And it doesn't cost nearly what the big cameras cost. Again...I was hoping to hate it!

in a hand to show the size...isn't it cute?

Guess what! I didn't hate it. I mean, I didn't hate the PL1, but I definitely liked the PM1 better. It's faster and even lighter. And the salesman was pretty great at pointing out all the bells and whistles and reading what was holding me back from the sale (little did he know, it was the lack of a financial provider in my life...like, I don't know...a JOB). He made it outright painful for me to walk out of that store. But then again, I was the one who walked in to begin with. I would say that the biggest downfalls I can see are that the viewfinder and the flash attach to the same spot, so I can't have both on at the same time. And the fact that the lenses are all so expensive. The camera with kit lens was $499, the viewfinder $179, the telephoto lens $199 at time of camera purchase ($299 separately). Yikes! That's almost $1000! And that didn't include the 5 year "insurance he was trying to sell me, a camera bag or the nifty dandy tripod that was also super lightweight and compact. UGH! Torture! That's ok, I'll have it someday. To me, I do look at it as a necessity, but not one I can afford right now. Patience is a virtue, right?

The last item on my list of torturing myself is another luxury. A cell phone. This little ditty just came out and I have to say that I am ready to get rid of my iPhone, for many reasons. It still works, and I'll probably keep it for as long as...well, until this phones price comes down to $0 from $300, but I just really think this phone is great for me! This is going to sound retarded, but my biggest reason is because of the pen and the ability to write and draw notes.

Samsung Galaxy Note

A lot of people know this about me, that I am a list and note girl. I carry little tiny notebooks around with me in case I need to write something down. When I got my iPhone, one of the first apps I downloaded was a notebook app, and I have to say that it's also my most frequently used app. But it still drives me crazy to have to type everything up when I just want to write a quick note, so I still carry my little notebooks with me. Now, I barely ever know where I have any of those little notes (I know, BIG dilemma, right?). But with this phone, you can actually write on it, and it can turn it into digital text later if you want. Dilemma fixed! Yea right! For a mere $300, fixed! Yet one more thing on my wishful list of material goods.

Dear Hawaii,

Here are some of the things that I learned about Hawaii the hard way.

Information (aka, asking the right questions)- Now pay attention here because this is VERY IMPORTANT! In Hawaii, whether it is with natives or non-natives, it does not matter. If you want to know something specific, then you have to ask something specific. I don't know if it's due to years of tourists asking a million questions or what, but important information seems to be left out if you did not specifically ask for it. Let me give you a few "for instances".
FOR INSTANCE: Let's say you are going to a far off land to work on someone's farm or gardens. You find them on a website dedicated to finding people to work on their farms or gardens. You wouldn't think to ask the very, what I think is, obvious question of, "Do you have any gardening tools?".

The only two tools we had to work with...yikes

FOR INSTANCE: Again, let's say that this same, alleged, farm or garden person advertises and confirms through your communication that they are located close to town, shopping centers, beaches and buses. Do you assume that this means that you can get to these places easily? Especially since this person is not providing food for your stay, and you touched on the food accessibility topic many times in communication? In other places...maybe. But in Hawaii, you need to ask specifically, "You are close to town, yes, BUT...will we be able to get to town? Or will there be a large switchback hill with no sidewalks and treacherous cliffs on either side that is absolutely impossible, and extremely dangerous if you try, to walk?".
FOR INSTANCE: If you were going to work on an organic farm in rural Hawaii, with the agreement of house and animal sitting for a few dogs and cats, for a few weeks, would you ever think that the "animal" sitting would be 4 dogs, 18 cats and about 50 chickens who all roam free INSIDE the house? Would you also think to ask the question about what specific type of "organic" plants they are growing?  And if they are legal or not?
FOR INSTANCE: When you are renting a car (granted from a local establishment), would you think that they only take cash and only have standard transmission cars available? And would you think that if both of those were the case, that the establishment would inform you of this before you showed up to pick up the car? 
One last for instance, because I could go on all day with these.
FOR INSTANCE: Say you want to rent a vacation home for a week on your first time to Hawaii. The location, price and ammenities are exactly what you want. Do you assume that the person renting the place to you is legally allowed to, based on the fact that they are the ones advertising the rental? Or do you ask if their renters lease allows them to sublet their place out to strangers for money? Do you assume that when they advertise it as a house, that it's not an in-law apartment attached to the Landlord's house, who isn't to know that you are renting from THEIR renter? Not usually. And do you think to ask if they believe in electronic devices such as TV's and microwaves for your stay over THANKSGIVING?!?!?! Nope. 

Anyway, like I said, MANY examples. Just make sure you know exactly what you want to know, before asking the questions. But no matter how well informed you think you are, chances are, Hawaii will throw something at you that you would have never thought of.

Sidewalks-there aren't any. Well, I guess if you're in the city, or bigger town, they have some downtown, but anywhere else, good luck. There's barely a shoulder on the road and the people don't drive very safely.

Public transport on Oahu-(there are many points here)
     -They are NEVER on time. I would say the average was 15-20 minutes late, but there were multiple times we waited for an hour or so.
     -Transfers-I got a different explanation of the transfer tickets by many people. For the longest time, I was under the impression that you could only use it for continuous travel in the same direction. It wasn't until the very end of my time on Oahu that I found out that you could use the transfer for your return trip as well. Thank you Hawaii for unnecessarily taking even more of my money.
     -Why do you change some of the bus numbers halfway through their route? There was a time that we sat in Haleiwa, waiting for the #55 bus forever, while a million (slight exaggeration) #52 buses went by. I finally called THEbus (yes, that's their catchy name) and asked if the #55 came through there and when. When the operator stated that the #55 did in fact come through Haleiwa, he was ready to wrap up the call. I had to think quick to find out the more important, hidden, information. "Does the #55, by any chance, change numbers anywhere before Haleiwa?", I asked. "Oh yea, yes it does! It changes to the #52 bus right before it hits Haleiwa". Good to know! Just sayin'.
     -The no luggage rule. How in the world can a place that is KNOWN for it's tourism industry have a bus system that does not allow luggage on it? The buses in Seattle (and quite honestly in many places I've been) either have a shelf above the seats, or an opening in the middle for people with luggage to stand, etc. This was quite possibly the single most inconvenient aspect to traveling independently in Hawaii.

     -Transfer points-HAHA! This one makes me laugh. Dear Hawaii, In my mind, a transfer point would be where I could get off one bus to wait for another bus to get on. A transfer point is not where you drop me off on the meridian of two intersecting highways and have me walk a quarter mile (crossing over said highways) to the bus stop where my other bus has already passed me by. The only thing I could think of when I was at these "transfer points" was an elderly person trying to make use of the public transportation system. Good luck!

Public transport on the Big Island of Hawaii- Get rid of what you have. It's useless. (At least on the Hilo side)

Descriptions-
-A "gentle incline" is not something that makes me want to die by the time I reach the top.
-A Shrimp truck and a few white plastic tents selling Hawaii souvenirs, does not a "Town" make.
-A BARELY two lane road that averages a speed limit of 35 MPH is NOT A "HIGHWAY"!
-The ability to rent old junker cars out of your dilapidated barn, in the middle of nowhere, is not a "Business".
-Hilo is not a "city"
-and I'm sorry, but the Hilo Farmers Market is not (or should not be) "World Famous"!

Camping- You'd think that camping would be a big thing in Hawaii. That there'd be a nice supply of private and public campgrounds and campers. Alas, no. There are many state parks and state run campgrounds but a reservation and stay at one of them does not come without jumping through a few hoops. There are camping permits, but the permits vary depending on when and where and how long you want to stay somewhere. There are also rules about when and how you can get the permits themselves. Each facility has different rules pertaining to length of stay, tents, cars, pets, food and ALL of them are closed on Wednesdays and Thursdays for "maintenance and cleaning". I was told this is to keep people (mainly hippies and homeless) from being able to live in the campgrounds and on the beaches, but I have news for you Hawaii, it's also making it EXTREMELY difficult for the financially challenged to enjoy a non resort Hawaiian experience. Thank you again. (p.s. for anyone wanting to camp, there is ONE great campgrounds we found called Malaekahana campgrounds, www.malaekahana.net, on the windward side, between Laie and Kahuku. Chickens, roosters and cats galore roam free and they have a different idea of "comfort zone", but the location, sites and staff are great! Just make sure you bring your own toilet paper and know that Wednesdays and Thursdays are PACKED!).

Campsite 2-I at the Malaekahana Campgrounds A tent, a hammock and a Martzy fashioned windscreen

Rental cars- If anyone refers you to a man named Aaron, on the Big Island, around the Pahoa area, say "No thank you.".

When the directions include two and a half miles of mango grove and a blue paint chipped gate, it should raise a red flag or two. If not, then when you can't tell which building is the one you're supposed to go to because they are all over grown with weeds, roofs and walls collapsing with piles of old car carcasses scattered around, then you should turn and leave. But if you proceed and a white haired, barefoot man with a two foot long beard comes out, of what I suspect is a house, to greet you, smelling suspiciously like a certain glaucoma prescription medication, a light bulb should surely go off in that dense melon of yours. At that point though, you've already invested so much naivete that you might as well seal the deal, but thank your lucky stars (in retrospect) when critical details are just now being revealed that bring the whole adventure to a screeching halt.  

Shuttle buses vs. Taxis-Oh man! Where to even start. Lauren and I got an earful from one very discouraged shuttle bus driver about the corruption in the tourism industry between the resorts and the taxi companies. First, do not ever ask the front desk of your hotel to arrange a cab for you. It will be OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive! Second, do not use a taxi at all, if you are going to/from the airport. They will take whatever you have in your wallet. Third, if any form of transportation, taxi's or shuttles, try to charge you for your luggage, they are pocketing that for themselves. You should NEVER have to pay for your luggage to be transported with you. Other than on an airlines, who is probably doing the same thing. Anyway, take a shuttle. There are Hawaii information guides all over the place that have coupons in them and you can find quite a few shuttles that way. They charge anywhere from $7-$12 one way and some will let you purchase roundtrip transport for a lower rate. I had nothing but good experiences with shuttles, especially these guys- www.mahaloshuttle.com. Although I would have rathered take the bus, if I would've been allowed to take my LUGGAGE on with me!

Japanese tourists- There are thousands, if not millions of them. You just have to keep reminding yourself that they have a different culture. They may not be used to personal space the way we are, or choosing a side of the sidewalk or door to go through. But no matter how strong the urge, you have to remember that elbowing and punching your way through a crowd is rude in any culture.

Hostel dorm ettiquette-I'll get into that at a different time. In my three hostel stays, equaling about 5 weeks total, I had 51 roommates. None of which were Hawaiian, so I have no beef with Hawaii about any of that.

I think that might be the bulk of it Hawaii. All in all, I had an amazing experience! But you sure do make it hard to visit on a budget. It's too bad that the big resorts and car rental chains dictate so much of the tourism industry, because there is so much more to Hawaii than that. I am thankful for all of these glorious tidbits of knowledge that I am now the proud owner of. I met many wonderful (and some not so wonderful) people. I got my hands dirty, literally, in the soil of two of your islands. I ate the most amazingly delicious and exotic fruits, smelled a perfect medley of tropical flowers and saltwater that I wish could be bottled. I swam with and meditated with sea life that I thought only dreams were made of and soaked in the bountiful, love drenched rays of the Hawaiian sun. I connected with Mother Nature and most importantly with myself on your beaches, in your jungle, on your back roads, in the lava ponds and in the sea. You tested my patience and my will, and I came out the other side a stronger, more adaptable person for it (even if you did rape my bank account).

I thank you, Hawaii, for every moment, whether it be joyful or tearful, of my two and half months with you!

A day from outer space...yikes

I know no one probably reads this anymore, but I need to write about this day because it was something I haven't quite encountered in awhile, and wasn't quite prepared.

Let's start with last night, and the fact that I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed until 4am with my eyes clamped shut until I gave myself a headache and fell asleep. I awoke to the sounds of my friends' 2 year old running around (I'm staying with friends right now), the TV going downstairs (it's on from morning through night in this house) and the dog whimpering outside my bedroom door to take her on a walk. These are usually telltale signs that it is at least 10am, but I didn't feel very rested. I rolled over and looked at my clock and it was around 7:15am... WHAT?!?!?

I immediately was pissed. I wanted the two year old to at least stop playing outside my bedroom door, the dog to give me a break and for the TV to be turned off! I tried covering my head with a pillow, but the speakers to the GIANT TV downstairs, are in the ceiling, which is my floor. A pillow was doing nothing. I laid here steaming about the problem with America today and TV, over stimulation, consumerism, conformity, etc. You know, the usual, lighthearted morning thought process. I called a good friend of mine to vent before I headed downstairs to take my sleep deprived crankiness out on someone who didn't deserve it. After a few minutes of griping about the perpetually running television that, in my opinion, is absolutely unnecessary and maddening (but I won't get into all that right now) I noticed there was complete silence on the other end. That was when I realized and she quickly confirmed that she, also, has the TV on all day. So, that conversation didn't go so well. But it didn't matter because I just needed to vent and I got it out.

I decide to get up and take a nice hot shower before I head downstairs, only to find that there is minimal hot water. So I took a warm shower. No worries...I have an appointment for a massage at 3pm and all my worries will go away. I just have to make it to 3:00.

Around noon, I feel that I have my head together enough to go downstairs and face the day, but find almost immediately that I should not be interacting with any living beings, tall or small.

The friend I'm staying with is reading a book that bad mouths American parenting in comparison to French parenting and gives pointers on how to raise a civilized, well mannered, well rounded child. My favorite point about this book, (at least from what she's told me), is that American Moms put too much stock in all those books out there that give advice on how you should be raising your child. Does anyone else see the irony here? Now, I'm not going to get into any details, but my friend hasn't really had a lot of experience with children and she's trying to raise a very curious, very active two year old with as little structure as possible. I, on the other hand, regardless of not having any children of my own, have literally a lifetime of experience with children and know MANY American parents who have civilized, well mannered, well rounded children. Needless to say I bite my tongue a lot when she talks about all this, but today was not the day for me.

I was actually very proud of myself because I knew I was on edge and really didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I did point out a few things to her that I've wanted to point out for awhile now. For the rest of the conversation, while I was trying to bite my tongue, I decided to eat to keep my mouth busy. Yikes!

I finally told her that I was in a really bad mood and after that, everything was fine.

Her husband comes home and I inform them of my plans for the day including my massage and Trader Joe's afterwards. Next thing you know, it's a conversation between the two of them about his brother working at one of the Trader Joe's, and before I know it, he's on the phone with his brother, asking if they're hiring and telling him that he's sending me down this afternoon for an application. Um...what just happened? I'm headed there after a massage. I'm not going to be dressed well, in fact, I'll probably be oily. Yay! Something to look forward to. 

WOW! That was just my morning! I haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet. Sorry, but you'll have to bear with me please. Trust me, it gets better. It's not ALL just me bitchin'"!

Let's roll ahead to 2:30 when I need to be heading out the door for my massage appointment. I get in the car and there's no gas. I get to the gas station and gas is $4.05 a gallon...UGH! Don't even get me started. I put $10 in because I will search for cheaper gas later, and pull out of the station with the needle BARELY above the E.

I make it to my appointment at 2:59 (phew) and the receptionist hands my chart to the massage therapist and says to me, "Mark will take you back with him now". SCREEEEEAAAAACH!!!!! Wait, what?

I've had many massages in my life, but I've never had one from a man. I don't even go to male Dr.'s. I never even thought of this possibility. I feel the muscles in my back and shoulders tense up with every step towards the dimly lit, flower scented, rolling Ocean wave CD playing room. Mark (who I would describe as a cross between Jack Black and Zak Galifinakis, only thinner) gives me his shpeel about the process, tells me to disrobe and he will be back in a minute. All I could think about was this ridiculous Groupon that I had purchased that brought me and Mark together. I disrobe, Mark comes back in and the next hour was one of the most uncomfortable, awkward, weirdest hours of my life. And anyone who knows me, knows I have a lot of weird hours.

Let me start by saying that Mark is a talker. That man talked nonstop for the ENTIRE hour! He started out asking me some questions about myself, but then would take that subject and run with it. I stupidly mentioned that one of the things I needed the massage for was this big Unemployment debacle that I'm going through right now. "OH MY GOD!", he says. "Did they tell you they made a mistake and want their money back?", I nod my head and say, "Something like that". "Well, you are screwed! I went through the same thing 3 years ago and mine still isn't resolved! They garnished my wages, emptied my bank account, made my life MISERABLE! You need to close any account you have in your name immediately!", and he goes on and on and on. I finally tell him that he's not helping any, and he apologizes and changes the subject... to...his recent eviction from a house he got suckered into renting by a blind man he met in massage therapy school. He went on about the house he's currently in, of which his father had to pull some strings to get him into it, and all the work he's doing there. He told me about this cute tomboy friend he has, and how he understands why her boyfriend is always worried that she's gonna meet someone else. And started giving me step by step narration of the muscles he was massaging and the movements he was using. He even told me that he has magic hands, but "sorry, no happy endings in my sessions". gulp! Where in the world am I? I'm pretty sure the term "happy ending" is in the massage therapy books as a big no-no term. All the while, he is spending an uncomfortable amount of time working on the top of my thighs. Another inch to the right and...well...let's just say, I was gonna relieve some stress one way or another.

Oh yea, did I mention he was a hand talker? He would stop massaging and just stand there, talking to me, using his hands to hit the point home. In my experience, a massage is best done with the hands ON THE BODY! He worked a little on my back, and then said "Well, unfortunately our hour is up. But if you decide to come back here, I'm excited to see you again. If not, you could look me up on Facebook and I'd be happy to come out to your house and give you a special deal on a massage. I sure hope I was able to relax you today.". (Do I even need to insert my eye roll?) I responded with my typical Martzy sarcasm, "Oh yea right. Is that what you were doing?". He laid his head on the back of mine, let out a deep sigh and said, in the most self deprecating way, "I suck!". I could have sworn he threw in the word "again", with a whisper, at the end.

I needed to use the bathroom, but there was someone in it, and I just wanted to get out of there. So, I left that building feeling, well, I guess stunned. I had no idea a massage was able to be that horrible. That's what I get for going cheap and using Groupon.  I headed next door to 7-11 to use their restroom, where the kind gentleman behind the counter handed me a 3 foot pipe with a bathroom key attached to it. And I returned the favor by purchasing a cup of tea and a banana. I'll skip ahead to the part where I sat the tea on the middle console in the car to get in and immediately forgot it was there. I pull out of the parking lot, and at the first stop sign, I hit the brakes, and the tea falls forward, cap comes off and tea starts pouring all over the place. Small potatoes in a big day. Off to the grocery store.

After parking at the grocery store, I see I have a voicemail from an Ohio number. I listen to the voicemail and it's from a man named Ken to a man named Leonard. It is a very thorough message talking about the "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" conference they had both attended the day before, and Ken wanted Leonard to have his number. I felt bad for Ken, knowing that Leonard will never have Ken's number and Ken will think that Leonard totally ditched him (although Leonard did give Ken my phone number, so chances are, he did). Of course, I call him back.

Ken answers the phone and upon hearing my voice (which matches the voice on MY voicemail), tells me that he had intended the message for Leonard. Here's how the conversation went:
Me- "May I please speak with Ken?"
Ken-"Yea, Hi. I had actually left the message for Leonard".
Me- "Yes, I know. I am calling because I wanted to let you know that you called the wrong number".
Ken- "Well, there's nothing I can do about that. This is the number Leonard gave me".

Enter a 5 minute conversation about their meeting at the conference the day before, where the conference was, what Ken had gotten out of it and a, "Well, you know, cuz you listened to my message".

Me-a lot of uh huh's, mm hmm's and yups.
Ken-"Soooo...what would be the best number to get in touch with Leonard then?"
Me- confused, "um, no, I don't know Leonard. I don't know ANY Leonards".
Ken-"OH! So I have the completely wrong number?!?!?"
Me-giggle "Yes" giggle (thinking I had been clear about that with the whole "you called the wrong number" thing at the begining of the conversation).
Ken- genuine disappointment, "So, I guess I'm never going to get to speak to Leonard again, huh?"
Me- "um, I guess not". 

Ken goes on to thank me for calling and letting him know, tells me a little bit more about the strong connection they shared over this new book and who he's planning on buying it for, and more about the disappointment of never getting to talk to Leonard again. If we were in person, I probably would have given Ken a hug.

We cordially say good-bye and hang up and I wonder if Ken's realization of never speaking to ME again will be as profound as Leonard.

Into Trader Joe's I go. I promise this is the end of it...almost.
I just wanted to get some organic veggies, an application and go. I don't know my friends' brother that well (aside from him being the best man and me being the maid of honor at his brother and my friends' wedding), so I wasn't too enthused about tracking him down, especially after these bizarro incidents. I figured if I saw him, I'd say "hi", if not, I'd just go. I got my veggies, got the application, and thought I was going to get out of there without another awkward interaction for the day, but why would that be the case?

As I'm paying and the lines are getting longer, I spot him heading to a register to help ring people up. I do a lingering inner debate about saying anything to him, and realize that I'm being an idiot. I walk over to his line, lean over behind the counter and casually wave and say "Hey Jeff". He turns towards me, his eyes light up and he does an unmistakably classic, drawing a blank on my name, "Heeeeey!.... Yooooou!" and points in my direction. I'm embarrassed FOR him! My first urge is to run, and I think I kind of did. I really had no idea what to follow that with, and I'm sure the customers in line were rather entertained. I turn back towards him, and say, "I know your brother called you earlier about an application, but I was coming here to shop already". HUH? Why and the world am I telling him this? He points towards the manager cubicle and tries to speak, but it really only came out as a bunch of incomprehensible sounds. I jump in to help him out and tell him I already got one. He responds with "Good!". I don't know what words came next because we both sputtered a few nonsensical words towards each other at the same time, ending with, what I would classify as a retardedly uncomfortable silence. I start to walk away and realize that I didn't say goodbye. I step back over, wave and say "Great seeing you! Have a great night!". He just smiles (along with the rest of the customers around I'm sure).

I walk out of the store, shaking my head in disbelief of this day, remembering a time when this was the usual day for me and NOT missing that aspect of my past AT ALL. I wasn't sure if I was going to break into hysterical laughter, or cry. But my hunch was that it was going to be a combination of both, which always makes me feel like I'm a little bit insane. Whatever the case, I knew I just wanted to be in bed in the fetal position for the meltdown.

When I walked in the door, after only being gone for about 3 hours, my friends ask me how the massage was. I told them that I had to put away my groceries first and give them time to prepare for the story I just told here. Knowing me for 15 years has given them an idea that they were in for a good one.

In the end, I only laughed hysterically, along with my friends. But I knew I had to write about it to fully get it out.

Thanks for being so patient, and I hope it was worth your time to read. If not, oh well. Get over it! I lost a whole day to this!