A day from outer space...yikes

I know no one probably reads this anymore, but I need to write about this day because it was something I haven't quite encountered in awhile, and wasn't quite prepared.

Let's start with last night, and the fact that I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed until 4am with my eyes clamped shut until I gave myself a headache and fell asleep. I awoke to the sounds of my friends' 2 year old running around (I'm staying with friends right now), the TV going downstairs (it's on from morning through night in this house) and the dog whimpering outside my bedroom door to take her on a walk. These are usually telltale signs that it is at least 10am, but I didn't feel very rested. I rolled over and looked at my clock and it was around 7:15am... WHAT?!?!?

I immediately was pissed. I wanted the two year old to at least stop playing outside my bedroom door, the dog to give me a break and for the TV to be turned off! I tried covering my head with a pillow, but the speakers to the GIANT TV downstairs, are in the ceiling, which is my floor. A pillow was doing nothing. I laid here steaming about the problem with America today and TV, over stimulation, consumerism, conformity, etc. You know, the usual, lighthearted morning thought process. I called a good friend of mine to vent before I headed downstairs to take my sleep deprived crankiness out on someone who didn't deserve it. After a few minutes of griping about the perpetually running television that, in my opinion, is absolutely unnecessary and maddening (but I won't get into all that right now) I noticed there was complete silence on the other end. That was when I realized and she quickly confirmed that she, also, has the TV on all day. So, that conversation didn't go so well. But it didn't matter because I just needed to vent and I got it out.

I decide to get up and take a nice hot shower before I head downstairs, only to find that there is minimal hot water. So I took a warm shower. No worries...I have an appointment for a massage at 3pm and all my worries will go away. I just have to make it to 3:00.

Around noon, I feel that I have my head together enough to go downstairs and face the day, but find almost immediately that I should not be interacting with any living beings, tall or small.

The friend I'm staying with is reading a book that bad mouths American parenting in comparison to French parenting and gives pointers on how to raise a civilized, well mannered, well rounded child. My favorite point about this book, (at least from what she's told me), is that American Moms put too much stock in all those books out there that give advice on how you should be raising your child. Does anyone else see the irony here? Now, I'm not going to get into any details, but my friend hasn't really had a lot of experience with children and she's trying to raise a very curious, very active two year old with as little structure as possible. I, on the other hand, regardless of not having any children of my own, have literally a lifetime of experience with children and know MANY American parents who have civilized, well mannered, well rounded children. Needless to say I bite my tongue a lot when she talks about all this, but today was not the day for me.

I was actually very proud of myself because I knew I was on edge and really didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I did point out a few things to her that I've wanted to point out for awhile now. For the rest of the conversation, while I was trying to bite my tongue, I decided to eat to keep my mouth busy. Yikes!

I finally told her that I was in a really bad mood and after that, everything was fine.

Her husband comes home and I inform them of my plans for the day including my massage and Trader Joe's afterwards. Next thing you know, it's a conversation between the two of them about his brother working at one of the Trader Joe's, and before I know it, he's on the phone with his brother, asking if they're hiring and telling him that he's sending me down this afternoon for an application. Um...what just happened? I'm headed there after a massage. I'm not going to be dressed well, in fact, I'll probably be oily. Yay! Something to look forward to. 

WOW! That was just my morning! I haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet. Sorry, but you'll have to bear with me please. Trust me, it gets better. It's not ALL just me bitchin'"!

Let's roll ahead to 2:30 when I need to be heading out the door for my massage appointment. I get in the car and there's no gas. I get to the gas station and gas is $4.05 a gallon...UGH! Don't even get me started. I put $10 in because I will search for cheaper gas later, and pull out of the station with the needle BARELY above the E.

I make it to my appointment at 2:59 (phew) and the receptionist hands my chart to the massage therapist and says to me, "Mark will take you back with him now". SCREEEEEAAAAACH!!!!! Wait, what?

I've had many massages in my life, but I've never had one from a man. I don't even go to male Dr.'s. I never even thought of this possibility. I feel the muscles in my back and shoulders tense up with every step towards the dimly lit, flower scented, rolling Ocean wave CD playing room. Mark (who I would describe as a cross between Jack Black and Zak Galifinakis, only thinner) gives me his shpeel about the process, tells me to disrobe and he will be back in a minute. All I could think about was this ridiculous Groupon that I had purchased that brought me and Mark together. I disrobe, Mark comes back in and the next hour was one of the most uncomfortable, awkward, weirdest hours of my life. And anyone who knows me, knows I have a lot of weird hours.

Let me start by saying that Mark is a talker. That man talked nonstop for the ENTIRE hour! He started out asking me some questions about myself, but then would take that subject and run with it. I stupidly mentioned that one of the things I needed the massage for was this big Unemployment debacle that I'm going through right now. "OH MY GOD!", he says. "Did they tell you they made a mistake and want their money back?", I nod my head and say, "Something like that". "Well, you are screwed! I went through the same thing 3 years ago and mine still isn't resolved! They garnished my wages, emptied my bank account, made my life MISERABLE! You need to close any account you have in your name immediately!", and he goes on and on and on. I finally tell him that he's not helping any, and he apologizes and changes the subject... to...his recent eviction from a house he got suckered into renting by a blind man he met in massage therapy school. He went on about the house he's currently in, of which his father had to pull some strings to get him into it, and all the work he's doing there. He told me about this cute tomboy friend he has, and how he understands why her boyfriend is always worried that she's gonna meet someone else. And started giving me step by step narration of the muscles he was massaging and the movements he was using. He even told me that he has magic hands, but "sorry, no happy endings in my sessions". gulp! Where in the world am I? I'm pretty sure the term "happy ending" is in the massage therapy books as a big no-no term. All the while, he is spending an uncomfortable amount of time working on the top of my thighs. Another inch to the right and...well...let's just say, I was gonna relieve some stress one way or another.

Oh yea, did I mention he was a hand talker? He would stop massaging and just stand there, talking to me, using his hands to hit the point home. In my experience, a massage is best done with the hands ON THE BODY! He worked a little on my back, and then said "Well, unfortunately our hour is up. But if you decide to come back here, I'm excited to see you again. If not, you could look me up on Facebook and I'd be happy to come out to your house and give you a special deal on a massage. I sure hope I was able to relax you today.". (Do I even need to insert my eye roll?) I responded with my typical Martzy sarcasm, "Oh yea right. Is that what you were doing?". He laid his head on the back of mine, let out a deep sigh and said, in the most self deprecating way, "I suck!". I could have sworn he threw in the word "again", with a whisper, at the end.

I needed to use the bathroom, but there was someone in it, and I just wanted to get out of there. So, I left that building feeling, well, I guess stunned. I had no idea a massage was able to be that horrible. That's what I get for going cheap and using Groupon.  I headed next door to 7-11 to use their restroom, where the kind gentleman behind the counter handed me a 3 foot pipe with a bathroom key attached to it. And I returned the favor by purchasing a cup of tea and a banana. I'll skip ahead to the part where I sat the tea on the middle console in the car to get in and immediately forgot it was there. I pull out of the parking lot, and at the first stop sign, I hit the brakes, and the tea falls forward, cap comes off and tea starts pouring all over the place. Small potatoes in a big day. Off to the grocery store.

After parking at the grocery store, I see I have a voicemail from an Ohio number. I listen to the voicemail and it's from a man named Ken to a man named Leonard. It is a very thorough message talking about the "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" conference they had both attended the day before, and Ken wanted Leonard to have his number. I felt bad for Ken, knowing that Leonard will never have Ken's number and Ken will think that Leonard totally ditched him (although Leonard did give Ken my phone number, so chances are, he did). Of course, I call him back.

Ken answers the phone and upon hearing my voice (which matches the voice on MY voicemail), tells me that he had intended the message for Leonard. Here's how the conversation went:
Me- "May I please speak with Ken?"
Ken-"Yea, Hi. I had actually left the message for Leonard".
Me- "Yes, I know. I am calling because I wanted to let you know that you called the wrong number".
Ken- "Well, there's nothing I can do about that. This is the number Leonard gave me".

Enter a 5 minute conversation about their meeting at the conference the day before, where the conference was, what Ken had gotten out of it and a, "Well, you know, cuz you listened to my message".

Me-a lot of uh huh's, mm hmm's and yups.
Ken-"Soooo...what would be the best number to get in touch with Leonard then?"
Me- confused, "um, no, I don't know Leonard. I don't know ANY Leonards".
Ken-"OH! So I have the completely wrong number?!?!?"
Me-giggle "Yes" giggle (thinking I had been clear about that with the whole "you called the wrong number" thing at the begining of the conversation).
Ken- genuine disappointment, "So, I guess I'm never going to get to speak to Leonard again, huh?"
Me- "um, I guess not". 

Ken goes on to thank me for calling and letting him know, tells me a little bit more about the strong connection they shared over this new book and who he's planning on buying it for, and more about the disappointment of never getting to talk to Leonard again. If we were in person, I probably would have given Ken a hug.

We cordially say good-bye and hang up and I wonder if Ken's realization of never speaking to ME again will be as profound as Leonard.

Into Trader Joe's I go. I promise this is the end of it...almost.
I just wanted to get some organic veggies, an application and go. I don't know my friends' brother that well (aside from him being the best man and me being the maid of honor at his brother and my friends' wedding), so I wasn't too enthused about tracking him down, especially after these bizarro incidents. I figured if I saw him, I'd say "hi", if not, I'd just go. I got my veggies, got the application, and thought I was going to get out of there without another awkward interaction for the day, but why would that be the case?

As I'm paying and the lines are getting longer, I spot him heading to a register to help ring people up. I do a lingering inner debate about saying anything to him, and realize that I'm being an idiot. I walk over to his line, lean over behind the counter and casually wave and say "Hey Jeff". He turns towards me, his eyes light up and he does an unmistakably classic, drawing a blank on my name, "Heeeeey!.... Yooooou!" and points in my direction. I'm embarrassed FOR him! My first urge is to run, and I think I kind of did. I really had no idea what to follow that with, and I'm sure the customers in line were rather entertained. I turn back towards him, and say, "I know your brother called you earlier about an application, but I was coming here to shop already". HUH? Why and the world am I telling him this? He points towards the manager cubicle and tries to speak, but it really only came out as a bunch of incomprehensible sounds. I jump in to help him out and tell him I already got one. He responds with "Good!". I don't know what words came next because we both sputtered a few nonsensical words towards each other at the same time, ending with, what I would classify as a retardedly uncomfortable silence. I start to walk away and realize that I didn't say goodbye. I step back over, wave and say "Great seeing you! Have a great night!". He just smiles (along with the rest of the customers around I'm sure).

I walk out of the store, shaking my head in disbelief of this day, remembering a time when this was the usual day for me and NOT missing that aspect of my past AT ALL. I wasn't sure if I was going to break into hysterical laughter, or cry. But my hunch was that it was going to be a combination of both, which always makes me feel like I'm a little bit insane. Whatever the case, I knew I just wanted to be in bed in the fetal position for the meltdown.

When I walked in the door, after only being gone for about 3 hours, my friends ask me how the massage was. I told them that I had to put away my groceries first and give them time to prepare for the story I just told here. Knowing me for 15 years has given them an idea that they were in for a good one.

In the end, I only laughed hysterically, along with my friends. But I knew I had to write about it to fully get it out.

Thanks for being so patient, and I hope it was worth your time to read. If not, oh well. Get over it! I lost a whole day to this!