(Adult language disclaimer: To those of you who have an ideal, angelic view of me, please do not read any further. I am touching on a subject that has tortured me for the majority of my life and I can guarantee there will be harsh profanity used)
Tomorrow begins the next step, and hopefully most successful, of a 25 year long, pain in the ass voyage. And what voyage, you may wonder, have I been on for 25 years? The voyage of trying to make my skin happy.
I have had bad skin since I was 12 years old. It runs in the family, so there was no hope for me (lucky for my younger sister who got away unscathed---or should I say unscarred). But the relatives I know who had it, said it would clear up in a few years...I guess we have different definitions of the word "few".
Having bad skin as a teenager is pretty much standard. Although, mine was worse than most. Having bad skin in your twenties is a little less than expected, but still not completely uncommon. Again, unfortunately, mine was worse than most. But having bad skin, if not worse than when I was a teenager, in my thirties, has just become downright fucking obnoxious! (excuse my language, but if there were a harsher word, I'd use it)
I've been on every oral and topical medication out there. And most of them...TWICE! Early on, my skin rejected (in the form of allergic reactions) both benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid, which are used in almost EVERY god damn facial cleanser, mask, astringent, and lotion. Benzoyl peroxide was the main ingredient in just about everything in the eighties, when my skin started breaking out. I remember one doctor not really believing my mom and I about the allergy and he gave me peroxide pads that contained 100% benzoyl peroxide. It didn't take long for my skin to get it's point across, loud and clear. NO BENZOYL PEROXIDE!!!!
I took Accutane...TWICE! Which is now being found to cause everything from liver damage, depression and suicidal thoughts to intestinal problems and birth defects. I remember going to the Red Cross to give blood once, and because I had taken Accutane in the last TWO years, I could not donate blood! Can you even believe that?
When salicylic acid became the new benzoyl peroxide in the early 2000's, I thought for sure I'd be saved. But alas, my skin said, "HELL NO!". And in the not so distant past, when Proactiv started the revolution (at least advertised it the most) against acne with a combination of benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid together, I stupidly thought that maybe my 36 year old skin would react differently than my 16 and 26 year old skin. Nope.
I had to stop eating chocolate when I was 12 due to my skins reaction to it, and tomatoes about 8 years ago now. The chocolate allergy, I can live with because I haven't eaten it for 25 years. It was at it's worst when I was a kid because my sister got to eat all the chocolate she wanted (and still can). Easter, Halloween and Christmas were the worst, but I made it through. As an adult, the issue I have with my chocolate allergy, is peoples reactions to it. "Oh my god! I would DIE!" is the general consensus. BLOW ME!...is mine. But the allergy to tomatoes is probably the hardest for me because #1: Tomatoes are used as a filler in so many foods, I never had any idea. and #2: I'm a vegetarian. Being a vegetarian, allergic to tomatoes has stumped many a dinner host. It's actually very embarrassing. What's even more embarrassing though, is having to explain WHAT my allergic reaction is to these foods...Luckily, I love bringing attention to my skin...NOT!
While working on exhausting the chemical market, I turned to the natural products market. I tried Vitamins E and A, both in capsule, oil and lotion forms. I've tried lavender oil, cucumbers, chamomile and aloe. I've refrigerated my skin products and even did a treatment with ice packs before applying my lotion. I've bought handmade soaps, and top of the line organic products. I've made my own lotions and even grown my own herbs and flowers for homemade tonics. I've spent hundreds and probably more like THOUSANDS of dollars on skin care products. Let's not forget about the money on makeup to try and hide the fact that I have the unhappiest skin on earth...and not very well, I might add. I've even tried using meditation to manifest healthy skin, and that kind of goes against the whole idea of meditation. I shouldn't be motivated by personal gain.
I think my favorite (sarcasm) experience was when I realized my allergy to Tea Tree oil, which a lot of the natural skin care world was using as a miracle cure, pretty much the way salicylic acid was portrayed in the chemical product world. Although, another favorite was when I spent $150 on the brand Origins, which boasts itself as "powered by nature and proven by science", and I had such an immediate and violent reaction to it. It turns out that they use perfumes in their products, which I am most definitely allergic to.
I will only TOUCH on the social embarrassment this condition has caused, because I could honestly write a book about this.
When strangers would come up to me at...oh, I don't know, a place like GRACELAND (the house of the man I was in love with for the first half of my life), on vacation, and give me skin care suggestions, that was, to put it mildly, NO FUN!!! Or when coworkers would say things like, "It's too bad, you have such a pretty face.", it was always nice to hear. As a child, getting newspaper and magazine article clips from my Grandma about alternative skin treatments, made me want to scream. As an adult, having her try to empathize with me, using her MAYBE one experience with a pimple or patch of dry skin, just makes me laugh. One exceptionally special moment was one particular Valentine's Day that my boyfriend gave me acne treatment products and expected me to be excited about them. Needless to say, I cringe when Valentine's Day approaches and I'm in a relationship. I've had men in bars ask me if they could buy me Proactiv, and I've had a friend use Brad Pitt as an example of people who look good with scars. I always search out the least lit area of a room to sit or stand when other people are around, and I seriously have a mini panic attack if there is a light directly above me.
This is a subject that I only acknowledge with my closest friends, and even then, I can't bring myself to be truly open about the emotional trauma my skin has caused me. I don't think I have EVER had an open, honest conversation on this subject and it brings tears to my eyes right now, that I'm even putting any of this out there in cyber space, for all to read. But I have made it my goal for this year to do absolutely anything and everything possible to make my skin happy and I want to document this path.
A few months ago, I started really thinking about the fact that my skin is having an allergic reaction. Something I'm doing, using or eating is inflaming the shit out of my body's largest organ. I mean, even Hawaii, for two and a half months, didn't really help. I started tearing apart my daily routines of cleansing and eating. I got gluten free shampoo and conditioner, all natural laundry detergent, handmade soap (of the most minimal and organic ingredients) and started a two week detox which ended three weeks ago. I am still not eating dairy, sugar, wheat or alcohol, but my skin has not gotten any better. Which leads me to tomorrow...
In the course of scouring books, watching documentaries and hours of searching the Internet for answers, I stumbled across a woman's YouTube blog who cured herself of an ovarian disease by eating raw. In watching her videos, it turns out that she had also had a lifetime of similar skin issues, maybe even worse, that also cleared up with the new diet. This is by far, not the first thing I've come across about a raw diet curing ailments and disease, but for some reason, it really hit home. All of the articles, books and movies that I've seen on this subject, started flooding my memory and something clicked. To make a long story even longer, I started talking to people about the idea of going raw and completely detoxing processed food out of my body once and for all. Those people would send me to more resources and everything was adding up...
Then I watched the movie, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead", and my raw diet idea took on a juicy twist. I knew, and still know, what has to be done, and I'm going to do it. Starting tomorrow, I am on a raw fruit/vegetable and juicing diet. I put myself into further credit card debt to purchase a Jack Lalane juicer and will start selling my body if I have to (although I'm not sure that will get me far), to buy organic fruit and veggies. I have figured out a way I can do this in Alaska this summer and will be taking my juicer with me. I will do this for as long as it takes to become healthy, and I know my body will let me know when that is.
Maybe I'm setting myself up for some real disappointment, but I have seriously high hopes for this plan. I want, more than anything in the world, to be a success story. And if this works, I may never eat processed, refined or enriched foods again. I'm of NO delusion that this won't be hard. Honestly, it's going to suck. But the sacrifice will be 100% worth it, if I become a truly healthy human.
A thought that I had today, was one that both scares and excites me. If this plan works, and my skin (and body) becomes happy...what will I focus on next?